My imaginary life

Lately I've been finding myself staring out my living room window wondering and imagining why I'm here in the moment with everything. I daydream and fantasize way too much. I even daydream in my mind during the day.
Is this the life i want to grow Old in?  Am i ready for this?  Maybe I'm still in search of some true happiness in my life. There's always that 'Bucket List' most middle aged adults talk of. I haven't even accomplished #1-finding true love. Or may it have and I'm not sure.  It might be the biggest fear I have right now.
Giving my heart and soul to another. At any given time, in a blink of an eye, it can be wiped away. Gone forever. If it comes back, however, it was destiny. For myself , it's the thought of rejection, to not feeling that 'spark' in ones eye. I've been cheated, dumped , to having my heart thrown to the ground and run over multiple times. Yet I stand strong in hopes I'll live my little dream fairy tale out some day....

Some days, I just suck.

There comes a time in one's life when life has an amazing way of reminding you what truly is important and at the end of the day, none of what the outside world has to say carries any real weight when it comes to matters of the heart. Fast forward through this year of transition and things evolve. Some in more positive ways than others I guess. But all with life lessons at the end of them of course. This year has been really hard for me. And no one is to blame other than myself. Never planned on being where I am today, let alone the timing of things.
Never was good at being anything other than myself either. As much as I'd like to picture myself being strong, independent woman, truth is most the time I'm not as strong as I'd like to be- but I'm still trying. My intentions is never to offend or hurt anyone's feelings and course this isn't an apology for walking out or away either. This isn't an attempt at justifying at anything. I don't expect people to understand, just as I can't expect myself to be able to please everyone at all times. In my situation, I never felt as solid and strong, even though the world says differently by all the criticism. Lost a lot of friends, and even caused turmoil within some friends over the years because of the bull people put out there. People even changed their perception of who they thought I was...
All of this just motivated me to stay even more grounded and to love whole-heartedly without judgement. At one point, I remember feeling saddened by the way people said the most hurtful things, ( as much as I did my best to ignore it). It felt like it was just me and the world. I think it's safe to say that a lot of times it brought me closer to my family, such as my mother and even my daughter. Knowing that someone loves you for who you are and that they gain nothing from you other than the joy of being loved unconditionally is a good feeling.
Most of the time I'm pretty good at rolling with the punches when things even don't go "as planned". Somehow, I allowed most of this year to get the best of me. None of this happened overnight and I must say most the time it don't. But we are all masters of our own reality and whatever is "happening to me" is no one's "fault" other than my own. The accumulation of things this past year have been challenging in so many ways, but for the most part I found it easy to stay positive through it all. At times, I even surprised myself at how resilient I was to a lot of the challenges...
There was the loss of my home, which regardless of how it made me feel at a loss, sprung a lot of negativity from friends to the outside world. Struggling from medical health issues ( such as cancer ) and taking on the stress of work was something I fully put myself into. Not too mention the struggles and issues I've dealt over the years with an ex-husband, to the history I have of not so great past relationships with men. None of these gave me any reason to complain and I never did, still don't. Losing a good friend last year, kept me strong, even negativity I've had from friends. As crazy as it sounds, all of it brought me a great deal of reassurance that I am on a good path somewhere. I mean if all of this would have taken place a few years ago before I decided to do something with my life, I would have been an easily been the world's biggest train wreck. Instead, dealing with all of it through acceptance of what is and staying as present in the moment as possible was the only way I was able to learn so much.
I'm not going to flatter myself in thinking I'm interested into the drama and gossip life around me. It's unfair of people to pry into related questions of others, such as myself. Even though it's not in nature to disrespect people, it is in my nature to admit when I'm weak. Whether people tune in or not won't change who I am or my best efforts or the quality of what I do. When you make something for the sake of putting good out into the world, the payback comes from a much more fulfilling place than any man made form of payment.

FOR ALL MY ANTI-VALENTINE'S : THIS IS 4 U TODAY.

Today , half the country is celebrating St. Valentine's Day.  A day of joyous (barf) filled with "surprise" flower deliveries, men dressed in heart costumes singing the love songs to their ladies to the romantic dinners under the moonlight with violins playing in the back ground. Stab me in the eyes with a fork , please.

Valentine's Day is like herpes. Just when you think it's gone for good, it rears it's ugly head once more.  No wonder some people prefer to call it VD.  It's this time of year when chocolate manufacturers and greeting card companies encourage you to demonstrate the extent of our fondness in cold, hard cash. Fuck that.

For the other half of the country today, such as myself, it's another normal day.  A day of course that's filled with annoying people that give out teddy bears, the heart shaped boxes of chocolates to people that really don't need it and morons professing their love through mix CD's and the over priced greeting cards. Such as again, I'm gonna be sick here.

Valentine's Day has become increasingly ridiculous over the years.  Even the people in relationships, such as myself who can't stand this day, don't want to celebrate the day or spend the inordinate of money it takes to say the same thing you say every freaking day of the year.  But for those people without "valentine's" today, they are forced to muddle through this smut and sappiness that goes along with it.  Or do they?  This might be the year that anti-Valentine's day makes a huge hit with you and yours.  Seriously people.  Rather than hiding away in the bathtub soaking your sorrows that you don't have anyone to send a signing telegram to this Valentine's day, nothing beats than impressing a Anti-Valentine.  Such as myself , it's not easy to please.

For all the people out there who don't have a loved one or a "valentine" to speak of, or just plainly hates this day, such as me, there's always the constant pressure of spending your money and being romantic with someone on this day. Fuck this.  Nothing says "I love you" these days than broken promises and broken relationships.  True love as I see it rarely exists, or does it? Promises are made to be broken. Or are they?  Go and do something crazy today and waste you money on a crush that you wanted to say something to, dropping a anti-valentine greeting card to a friend now. As it is, we anti-valentine's need a little love now and then too.

But for some of us , we still might believe in true love , one day. We believe in butterflies in your stomach. You know the feelings of when your excited or nervous and get that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach. Falling in love is hard to come by as we all know.  It's that moment when you realize someone is very special.  But during that time, most of us always want to live happily ever after. But that's what happens in films and fairy tales where happy couples are together forever. Show me a couple that's been together as long as Earth has been here, and I might change my mind on love. Being faithful is when your loyal and true. You also don't sleep with other people. Period. No excuse should be given in any relationship.  We all have someone we love unconditionally. It's a popular thing among stories and when we love someone 100%, it's for no matter what happens. I know unconditionally I love my daughter and pets.  But as well we can all detest someone or something too. Which is basically hating. Most of us anti-valentine's find that detesting something or someone in life is too easy these days. For me, I have both. Unconditional love and detest. But to my readers, this is for you, happy anti-valentine's day.

My Expression....

I can remember standing for hours alone,
In my cold bleak room, 
Waiting for the moment of inspiration to come to me,
To express myself in movement,
At length, my spirit
Would be uplifted
And I would follow
The expression of my Soul....

I aM GoNe

I am gone,
The person you see isn't the REAL me,
The REAL me gave up a long time ago,
She couldn't take the constant pain anymore.

Friends as Roommates=BAD COMBO

For years I use to live with friends, or have roommates, which in my opinion, in my past, I had no problems growing up. For years it was easy to get along and nobody got hurt, no feelings, bills were always paid on time and we had a great time as well. These days, things are totally different, and people change and grow up as well. I've lived on my own many times ,I won't lie about that and for that I've enjoyed it immensely. I'm a private lady, who hates the drama bull crap, and yet its like a curse that follows me half the time. Recently, when I lived yet again on my own, I had A HEART, and let a friend move in with us, out of the goodness of my heart. Never asked anything out of him, except to help with a bit of money , never asked to help with food, or anything of household concerns . Towards the end, when we lost the home, I moved into his  HOME , and it was the worst thing I ever made. He did a 360 once he took control of his home and acted like GOD, BUT in reality he was a DOG, or as I called him one day, A PIG ON A HORSE. Everything in the house belongs to yes ME, ME, DID I MENTION ME?! Yeah I think I got that covered. During the 3mths I had lived there, it was nothing but pure evil violence in the home, and  I'm so thankful my daughter never witnessed it! However it doesn't account for me hearing the screaming, banging things, and so forth with him and his  girlfriend in the house. With me and having severe anxiety and other medical conditions on top of, it didn't make things better. I have a ton of anger towards men these days and that alone don't mix well. 
Here I am months after the fact of what went on down during that time. Things didn't go well and it wasn't a pretty sight, either. The now ex-friend made life a living hell for me after the fact, and today we don't even talk. I never imagined in my wildest dreams that a person like this friend was even considered a human being, let alone a FRIEND.In the long run, he was not a true friend, and a backstabber. What a coward, and what a ruthless jerk. His KARMA will be the justice coming and I hope he learns his lesson one day. Until then, I just don't care about having roommates forever.

True Love Can Be So Hard ....

I grew up watching my parents be together through thick and thin , and today they are married STILL after 39years. A best friend from HS who's been with her sweety for 21years and still ticking on through hell and back.  For me, I've accomplished several relationships through my life and each one turned out to be a disaster of course. The usual of falling out of love, to domestic violence, which still has a emotional numbness pain today for me, to being used of course in relationships. All I ever wanted from a man was that *choke* fairy tale we all women dream of as a child. OH yeah, that one with Cinderella growing up poor with her evil stepmother and then finding her true prince at the ballroom one night. Though in REAL life, that doesn't exist obvious, I just want  my prince. But he's not a prince~he's my KING and I'm his QUEEN. I've chased men down to be hurt in the end, and though I've been chased by men myself, i am the one who deeply gets hurts, tears rolling down the cheeks, and my heart is torn apart of course.
hat men don't usually know about me is that after years of the few horrible relationships I've dealt with over the years is that it gets agitating, annoying, heartbreaking, and the heart can take only so much pain and hurt. Some men out there just don't give a crap of hurting women. Though I will admit there are women out there who do the same.
I am not one of these women who tend to abuse a man's heart, tear it to pieces, and then decide I'll shred it to the garbage guys, as my heart has been too many times in my life. I've dealt with it too much and quite frankly I'm tired of having my heart ripped out, thrown to the ground, kicked around, and left for the usual wild animals to feed on. That and I'm tired of always gluing it back together again. It's painful, and it hurts.  I watch everyday as most people fall in love, to some of my friends already in love and it makes me happy, but it hurts deep inside. I never say anything because yes, I'm JEALOUS. I want that man who comes home, grabs me, kisses me all the time, cuddles, and shows all that attention to me i crave so much as I would give it right back. But my problem is since I've been HURT in the past as i have so much, I tend to SHY away from being the center of attention of a man these days. 
True love ? What is true love? Most people I know can answer that in seconds for me. When you ask me that, I look at you  blankly with no answer. Have I ever been truly in love? Nope, can say I have. Out of all the men in my past lifetime, I can't recall one person that I truly loved, or that I knew that felt the same about me. Seriously. I know i was no Queen to them, and he was no King. Though we are not all perfect, the energy, and the feelings were just not there. And yet I sit here and cry everyday wanting that feeling and it kills me to know that I have a KING out there, and I am his QUEEN. The butterflies in the stomach, to my head spinning in all crazy different directions, is what I want. Can't recall the last time I felt that ever. I'm sure its not safe these days to have those crazy wild feelings, but I sure as hell would like to explore it one day. Yet my mind still explores the thought of what was once when I was a child of how I dreamed of one day growing up and meeting my Prince Charming.
So the reality of the fairy tale might not be there, i surely would love to experiment with the feeling of REAL LOVE and have some man show me what that is ....someday. My heart is broken, and i'm tired of gluing myself. Finding true love for a lot of us these days is really hard. Sure i know it is. I feel my heart everyday aching that pain, dying for that moment, that butterfly affect, you name it. But as well, i'm always afraid i'll b hurt cuz i've always been hurt in my past relationships and that itself is what hurts me the most. To not experience what true love is or what that butterfly affect, or have some man show me true love is just bites me in the ass. Most of us can relate to this feeling, and for me it's everyday. I crave that feeling and as I get older every year, my clock ticks to find Mr.KING one day.
We all want to experience true love if we have as of yet in our life time. For myself, I haven't. It hurts too deeply to even fathom or explain how that feels to not know what true love is. I have watched so many romantic shows and these days it makes me *sick* to watch them over and over. It's the feeling I want, the craving, the sensation, the lust, the deep inner self of my soul I want. Will any man understand that feeling I state? Probably not. To understand one another and have that feeling is what I desire the most deepest in a man. True love doesn't come over night for anyone, let alone myself. But I sure do hope it comes one day, the feeling of "growing old with someone" sure sounds great to me...before I die that is.